DateNet Dating Directory Presents
Doc Love's Weekly Love Column
Doc Love's weekly column
new articles every thursday.
Doc Love Column Archives
This Weeks Column
IS SHE DATING ME JUST BECAUSE SHE HAS NOTHING ELSE TO DO?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Hi Doc,
My name is Jack. I'm 42 years old and I own a large luxury car dealership. Even though I’ve been quite successful in my career, I’ve experienced a lot of confusion with women for many years.
But since I started using your "System" in January, I’ve had three times as many dates so far this year than I had for the entire year before. I’ve learned how and when to ask a woman for her home phone number and I know how to weed out the ones who give out their number but have no intention of actually going out with me.
The problem I’m encountering now is that a lot of these women who do go out with me, but ultimately won’t even kiss me, even though they keep accepting dates with me. I’ve been following your rules about keeping things light and keeping them laughing. I let the woman do all the touching. I don’t tell her how much I like her and all that. I’m a total gentleman and I also maintain a sense of mystery and Challenge just as you say to do. I’ve come a long way.
But I am completely baffled by these girls. They touch me, they compliment me, they tell me outright what a great time they have with me and they talk about doing things together on more dates in the future. But when I make my move for a simple nice kiss, and I usually wait until the third or fourth date to go for it, they turn their head away, or they give me a quick peck and then start talking or they just give me a hug instead. Even after they refuse to kiss me, they still accept more dates with me. But they never do let me kiss them, even when we spend more time together. (I’ve been laboring under the assumption that a lot of them are probably shy and just need more time, but now I’m starting to believe that that’s not accurate at all.)
I will tell you that there is one new woman whom I’ve just started dating who gave me a long, deep, wet kiss right off the bat on our first date. Boy was that delightful and refreshing!
So what’s with all these other girls? Why are they spending so much time with me if they don’t even want to kiss me? They know that I’m romantically interested in them, or I wouldn’t be asking them out. So then why do they keep accepting dates with me? Why do they let me pay for everything and do all the planning and all the driving and everything when they obviously have no interest in me? Is that right? Is that fair? Do other guys go through this too? And how can I screen out these phonies and strokers before I spend all this time and money on them?
Jack - who is ticked off
Hi Jack,
You are not alone. Every day I receive much e-mail complaining of the exact same thing that you’ve been experiencing. In fact, I’d have to say that what we have in the current dating world is an epidemic of phony female flirt-itis.
Every night, across America, tens of thousands of women are out on dates with men whom they have absolutely no romantic interest in or physical attraction to. These women are already 100% clear that they have no intention of ever even exploring the possibility of a relationship with the poor sap they’ve chosen as their target. Each one, all consumed with her own narcissistic agenda, has no concern whatsoever that she is misleading her victim, let alone possibly hurting his feelings. Toying with a man’s emotions is a form of recreation for her.
If you’re a long time reader, you know that I call this type of woman: The Professional Dater. And, yes Jack, the way she behaves isn’t right. And it isn’t fair either, but it is a reality that all single guys must learn to deal with, unless you are in a band.
So just what is The Professional Dater’s secret agenda? Let me to clarify this for everyone. Her agenda is: To enjoy as many social, recreational and culinary opportunities as she can, with no strings attached, while she bides her time, looking for the ‘real’ Mr. Right. In her self-centered universe, her inner dialogue goes something like this: "While I’m attending that exclusive Grammy party with Mr. Chump, I just might meet a celebrity." Or, "while I’m dining at the nicest restaurant in town with Mr. Loser, at least I’ll be able to enjoy another Lobster dinner this week instead of having to stay home and watch re-runs of Sex in the City while I eat reheated pasta with my cat. And besides, attention from an undesirable male is better than no male attention at all."
The more beautiful the Professional Dater is, the higher her standards will be. But there are thousands of women out there who would rate no more than a 5 or a 6 but who are still full-on predatory Professional Daters. They enjoy getting free dinners at Sizzler and a complimentary movie ticket, courtesy of Mr. Clueless.
Well versed in the subtleties of manipulation, the Professional Dater knows that her victim will not continue to lavish his attention and generosity upon her if she doesn’t give him a sense of hope and possibility. So, she’s a master at leading him on, without having to even approach the first stages of intimacy. (For her, the idea of actually even kissing her mark, ranges somewhere from between mildly distasteful to outright repulsive.)
The Professional Dater has trained herself to exhibit all the buying signals of the woman with authentic high Interest level. She touches the guy a lot. She tells him how special he is. She thanks him profusely for the lovely evening she had. She even makes very subtle, ambiguous hints about the possibility of furthering the relationship in the future.
So how do you screen out this viscous siren? How do avoid being played like a Stradivarius? How do you call her bluff and flush out this emotional vampire? Are you ready guys? Listen up! Here it is. The antidote to this stroker’s spell:
In order to determine whether or not your potential relationship partner is a Professional Dater, you must make sure that you do not end your first date with her without going for a nice, sweet, long lingering kiss. And if you get anything less from her, go home, rip up her phone number and flush it down the toilet.
To some, this suggestion may sound too harsh, too inflexible. Let me tell you guys: Any girl who really likes you, who is romantically interested in you, will be more than pleased to lay a big wet one on you by the end of the first date. Why wouldn’t she if she likes you? Even a very shy girl who has high Interest Level will respond enthusiastically. Only a woman with low Interest Level wouldn’t lip lock with you after a three and a half-hour long first date. (And who would want to be with her?)
To others, this suggestion may sound simplistic. Like basic common sense. Well, that’s what it is. It’s a simple but profound way to quickly determine where you stand and avoid more dates with the same woman that will wind up going nowhere. Let’s say it another way. There’s no such thing as a woman with high Interest Level who would penalize you for going for a nice kiss at the end of the first date.
Jack, the bad news is that the reason that these women aren’t responding, even though you’re doing everything right, is that they never really liked you to begin with. But the good news is that you can stop them in their tracks if you don’t wait until the third or fourth date to make your move. Go for that kiss and bottom-line the woman’s Interest Level by the end of the first date. And simply do not go out again with any woman who fails to respond enthusiastically to your overtures. Stick with the girl who gave you a great kiss on the first date, and look for more like her if you need to.
Just remember guys, you never know if a girl might be a Professional Dater or not, until you go for that Big Smooch!
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"
© Copyright DocLove DotCom, Inc.
Does Every Relationship come with a Breakup?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Hi there Doc,
My girlfriend and me have been together for eight months now and have had a great relationship, but I feel as though she is becoming less interested in me. For example, I find her spending more and more time with her friends. I don't mind if she hangs out with her friends, but it’s since she started hanging out with them more than me that I’ve become concerned. She’s also spending lots of time with a "friend" of hers named Tom. It seems as though every time I call her on her cell phone, she’s at Tom’s apartment.
Another thing is that I feel that she hardly ever gives in return. I’ve given her all sorts of cool things, but she hasn’t given me a thing.
I’m 32, and as I look back on my past girlfriends, it seems to me that it always starts out great and then someone mistreats and then dumps the other. I don’t want to dump her, Doc, but I think that I probably have to. Do relationships ever last?
Smitty - who wants to know why does it always have to end
Hi Smitty,
I hate to say it dude, but it sounds as if you have already become the dumpee and you’re just not seeing it yet. What does this girl have to do to you - for you to get the drift - marry Tom? On the other hand, you do seem to understand that your relationship is going nowhere fast - except downhill. Let me explain.
Yes, Smitty, your girlfriend has already dumped you, but she just doesn’t have the decency to tell you to your face. She’s simply doing more and more things that she’s hoping you will soon no longer be able to tolerate. Then you’ll be forced to break up with her, thinking that it was your decision, while you’re actually being manipulated into doing her dirty work for her. Using this passive method, she doesn’t have to look like the bad guy.
Also, remember that if your girlfriend started out having high Interest Level in you, then you had to have done things to lower her Interest Level. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be amenable to the charms of this rip-off artist named Tom. You see, The Reality Factor says: When women have 90% Interest Level or higher, they’re super-loyal.
My other concern is that this girl is a taker and not a giver, so she isn’t good relationship material anyway. You should ask yourself Smitty, why did you continue giving so much to her if she wasn’t giving back. She obviously wasn’t showing you any appreciation, either. All you guys need to learn to stop giving when you’re efforts aren’t being appreciated.
Do all relationships have to end?
Some couples actually do stay together" forever" because they both had high romantic Interest Level in each other to begin with. And they’ve been able to keep the Interest Level mutually high over the years. Couples like these comprise a very small percentage of the total, but they are out there.
The other category of couples who don’t break up: Those who stay together indefinitely, not because they are happy with each other, but because they "have to" for one reason or another i.e.: they don’t want to damage their kids emotionally, or the breakup would be financially devastating in some way etc. etc.
In the worst version of this type of relationship, the couple is miserable and practically hate each other. At best they just live like roommates with no passion or affection for each other.
Remember that about one out of four guys, who are married, are with women who never really loved them to begin with. Another large percentage of married men is with women who once had high Interest Level in them, but who are now just toughing it out.
(Just ask yourself: How many - seven year married or longer - men out of a hundred have a loving, romantic relationship with their wives? Get a few beers into your buddy and ask him what he hates about being married.)
So, that leaves a large majority of couples who are inevitably going to break up, sooner or later. It may only take six or seven dates before one person or the other looses interest. Or, the breakup can come after one partner finally gets the guts to end an unhappy marriage of several years. In any case, the person who does the dumping is the one with the lower Interest Level. And the one who gets hurt is the partner with the higher level of interest. (When the airplane of love is going down, there’s only one parachute - and it’s not for the dumpee!)
Smitty, I would never tell any guy to get rid of a woman. My job is to coach you so you don’t get in a predicament like this to begin with. But if your girlfriend is spending more time with Tom than with you, then there’s trouble in paradise.
But don’t take the initiative to officially break up with her. If you do that, then she’ll get the satisfaction of knowing that she was able to manipulate you. Instead, beat her at her own game. Just stop calling her, let her only talk to your answering machine, and move on.
Smitty, if you want to have a relationship that goes the distance, you’ve got to get with a chick who digs you as much as you dig her. Then check to make sure that she is a flexible giver with high integrity. Also make sure to always maintain a sense of romance, mystery and Challenge. In that way, you’ll be sure to keep her Interest Level high as the months and years go by. And when her Interest Level is high, she’ll continue to do things to make sure that your Interest Level in her stays high, also.
Remember guys: The easy part is getting them. The hard part is keeping them.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"
© Copyright DocLove Dot COM
WHO REALLY WINS WITH WOMEN?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Hi Doc,
Now that I’ve read several of your advice columns, I am thoroughly convinced that you have the mind of a fourteen-year old boy.
Your column and your so-called "System" are an attempt to teach men how to play mind games and manipulate women. And any guy who is using some kind of rule book or strategy to try to win me over, may actually make it to a second date, but I can guarantee you that he won’t make it to my bedroom.
The advice you should be giving men is to simply be honest and be themselves. Men don’t need to act aloof or unavailable to get women to like them. The truth is that women like to know up front whether a guy is interested, and they certainly don’t want a guy to wait a week before he calls, which is what you advocate. Have you actually talked to any of these thousands of women whom you claim to have interviewed? I doubt it.
What you’re doing, Doc Love, is trying to convince guys to act like jerks because they've been rejected once or twice. That’s never going to help them find a woman who will truly make them happy.
You’re obviously trying to gain popularity by being politically incorrect, which is apparently the hip thing to do theses days. But you’re only exacerbating the misunderstandings between men and women.
You shouldn’t be giving love advice until you start asking us women what we want instead of telling men what you think we want. If you actually had been interviewing real women, and then you’d know that all that women really want, is a nice guy who is sincere.
Reva - who thinks that you are not helping anyone
Hi Reva,
Did I hit a nerve?
Allow me to tell you about a guy I’ve recently met, named Barney. Barney is a Macho Boy. When he takes a woman out on a first date, he intermittently stares at her breasts throughout the evening. He also has a habit of complaining about his ex wife in the middle of the dinner conversation. And he can’t seem to keep himself from touching his date’s arm too much. Every girl, who goes out with Barney, winds up feeling extremely uncomfortable and never wants to hear from him again. Yet Barney is baffled as to why he never gets a second date.
Barney’s buddy, Frank, is different from Barney. Frank is what I call a Teddy Bear Guy. He always brings a bouquet of flowers for the girl on their first date. He also thinks that if he shares all the disappointments that he’s experienced in relationships and life, that his date will respect him for being ‘honest’ and ‘willing to share his feelings’ and that that will make her more attracted to him. At the end of the evening, he usually says to his date: "I really like you. Do you like me?" Frank doesn’t get many second dates either.
So Reva, I’ve got a few questions for you. Shall we simply encourage Barney and Frank to continue to "be themselves?" Could it be possible that they might benefit from some coaching? If I educate Barney and Frank about the error of their ways and they change their behaviour in order to become more successful with women, would I then be turning them into a manipulative phonies? And would you deny Barney and Frank the opportunity to improve themselves? Should all those guys, who are chronically making outrageous blunders with women, continue to just "be themselves?"
Curiously Reva, it’s often the same women who complain about men being manipulative when they try new things to be successful with women, who are rushing off to the newsstand to get the latest edition of Cosmopolitan or Self magazine, to learn: "Five Sure Fire Ways To Get Him To Commit", or "Seven Secret Psychic Strategies To Make Him Fall Helplessly In Love With You." Do you ever read women’s magazines Reva?
Go to the relationship section of any bookstore. Wade through all the "men are creeps and women are victims"’ crap, and most of the rest - of what you will find -are books written by women for women with strategies to "Get What You Want From The Man In Your Life." It seems that when a woman studies a book to enhance her relationships, its called "self improvement." But when a man takes the initiative to get some coaching to improve his love life, he’s condemned for being "dishonest" and "manipulative." Hmm, and the Feministas fought so hard to get rid of all those double standards!
The way that I found out what women actually desire in a man, was not to ask them what they "want". (If you ask women what they "want" they come up with misleading doublespeak just as you have Reva.) The truth is revealed when I quiz them about the character traits of the men with whom they actually wind up staying with in a relationship. In the vast majority of cases, what we discover, is that the man who makes the grade, is the man who made the woman, (either naturally or by design) feel as if she had to work somehow to win him over. She had to wait and wonder awhile about where she stood with him and so she found him mysterious and compelling and ultimately, worthy of her affections.
I’m not saying that a guy needs to be a mysterious when he’s been married for ten years. But in the first 60 days of courtship, it’s imperative.
I’ll tell you, Reva, if you were to meet two different guys at an afternoon barbecue whom you both had 70% Interest Level in, and guy number one called you later that night and told you how much he cared for you, your Interest Level in him would very quickly sink to 60%. Why? Too much, too fast.
But if guy number two waited a week to call you and simply asked you out in a gentlemanly fashion, by the time he called, your Interest Level in him would have risen to 75%. You would find yourself involuntarily responding positively to guy number two in contrast to guy number one, because guy number two was less anxious, more mysterious and more of a Challenge.
The truth Reva, is that Macho Boy, the pushy, inconsiderate jerk, is not going to get anywhere with any woman, at least not any woman who is clinically sane. But Teddy Bear Guy (wimpus Americanus) is not going to get very far by being too available and too eager to please either.
Too many good men are losing out on having heath relationships with wonderful women, only because they’ve never had proper coaching. They don’t know that their job on a first date is to keep things light, keep their hands to themselves, be a good listener and make their date feel comfortable. And above all, control the interview.
Men also don’t know that they’re blowing it when they give a woman fifteen different compliments on the first date or when they propose marriage on the fourth date. They’re fundamentally good guys, but they just don’t know any better. That’s where I come in, and I know I’m helping a lot of guys because of the hundreds of grateful testimonial letters I receive each month.
Remember guys: The man who is a gentleman and a Challenge keeps the woman.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"
© Copyright DocLove Dot Com
Webmaster Opportunities
Click Here
