Previous Weeks Columns

Hey Doc,

A waitress I like works at a restaurant I go to a lot. I gave her my business card and on a couple of occasions after that, we spoke about going out sometime. She was very open to the idea.

Before leaving town for a holiday, she gave me her cell phone number. I called her and we had a nice chat. When she got back, we talked a little about her vacation while I was at the restaurant. Later that evening, we had a long chat over the phone.

I eventually called her and asked her out. She responded by asking, "Why me?" I explained that I wanted to get to know her better. When I mentioned that we would go to the theatre, she seemed to like the idea. She then asked me when I needed to know for certain whether or not she could go because she wasn’t sure about the whole thing and wanted to think it over very carefully. I said that the earlier she told me the better because I was getting the tickets and I wanted the best seats.

She called me the next night to say that she had thought a lot about my offer, and though she would love to go to the theatre, she had to respectfully decline. She was sorry for disappointing me, but she didn’t think it was a good idea to mix business and pleasure. I told her that I understood and I respected her wishes. She thanked me a lot for being so understanding and that very few men were as understanding as I was. We carried on a while longer, having a whole other chat.

Though we didn’t go out, she was very nice and decent about the whole thing. All in all, I think things ended nicely. What do you think, Doc?

Frederick - who wants to know what his next move is

Hi Frederick,

If you were only interested in a chatting partner, then things went great, but if you were looking for a girlfriend, I’d say you failed miserably. Chatting was all you ever did with this girl, Frederick. Well, at least no one could ever accuse you of coming on too heavy!

You remind me of certain salesmen from my selling days who could put on a beautiful presentation but never close the deal. Chatting is fine when you lack crucial details about a woman (like her name) but after a while, the chatting has to cease and you have to ask for the order - the woman’s home phone number.

Notice that I said: ask for her home phone number - not her work number or cell phone number. Why? Because only the home phone number demonstrates sufficient female Interest Level; the other numbers are meant to appease you and keep you at arm’s length (not to mention that they are prone to problems such as sudden disconnections due to angry bosses or freeway overpasses).

So, as you can see, Frederick; you asked what your second move was, when in reality, you had not even made your first move.

But neglecting to ask for her home phone number wasn’t your only error. Giving this lady your business card and repeatedly talking about going out (before actually making a date) also hurt your cause.

Women love confidence. But when a man tries to broach the subject of dating by dropping hints, it makes him appear timid. Rightly or wrongly, she perceives his business cards and his nebulous suggestions to "go out sometime" as cowardly measures to avoid her disapproval. As a man, you must have the guts to brave rejection and ask the woman out directly. You must act as if her opinion doesn’t affect you. In fact, it doesn’t. Why not? Because you only care about finding that lucky woman who has high Interest Level in you; you’re not trying to get the approval of every woman in town.

Before you think I will only devote space in my column to pick on you, Frederick, let me say that your girl’s record isn’t clean either. First, she threw you a curve ball when she asked, "Why me?" It’s hard to find a better indicator of low Interest Level than a girl playing dumb after you ask her out. I’ll bet she even fluttered her eyelashes for dramatic effect!

Then she said to you: "I need to think it over very carefully." You only asked her out to the theatre, not to move to Mongolia! This girl gets an "A" in Women’s Stalling Techniques 101. "Needing to think" about going out on a date is Womanese for: "I’ve already forgotten about it!"

Then she added, "Thank you for your understanding," Which was Womanese for: "Thank you for not going berserk on me like the last guys I tricked." First, she waits until the absolute last minute to tell you she never had high Interest Level in you - then she thanks you for excusing her behavior through your words. You made her work so easy! This is a good example of, as the column title states: "Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen."

By settling for this girl’s cell phone number instead of her home phone number, and for chats instead of a real date, you swallowed this girl’s hooks whole! And being the big fish that you are, Frederick, you kept biting - hoping that eventually, she would pull you into her love boat. Instead, you ended up on a tramp steamer. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "She worked you over good, boy!"

It’s truly shocking how you were so pleased over nothing, Frederick - but that’s why I was put on earth: to make sure that you good guys out there never get confused or rejected again! As for your next move, Frederick, flush that number down the toilet where it belongs, eat at another restaurant, and only chat with the women who date you!

Remember, guys - in sales or in dealing with women, you’ve got to "Close, close, close."

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

© Copyright DocLove DotCom

Hey Doc,

I've been a friend of a girl for about two years now. I never felt any attraction to her until this past summer. We started spending a lot of time together, going out and having fun. Now she’s at college, living in a dorm, and I never get to see her anymore.

She doesn't know how I feel about her. I want to tell her, but I don't want to lose the friendship we have. Wouldn’t she think it was strange for me to suddenly come out and confess how much I like her after being friends for so long? What do you think? Should I go for it?

Bart

Hi Bart,

So, love snuck up behind you and bit you on the fanny, huh? The bad news - as I have mentioned in other articles – is that most women don’t allow you to switch tracks from friendship to boyfriend. The good news is: if by some long shot, your sweetheart is the exception to the rule, I can arm you with the one thing that would make a romance happen: Challenge - also known as Superwoman’s Kryptonite.

Judging by the lack of Buying Signals (flirting) mentioned in your letter, I would assume that the object of your affection is comfortable with the relationship as it is and doesn’t think of you as anything more than a friend - the most dreaded word a man can hear from a woman. But in the small chance that she harbors some romantic feelings for you and is playing it cool, Challenge will turn up the heat and make her Interest Level climb through the roof!

Challenge can even help you out when your female friend has only 49% Interest Level in you. How? It forces you to keep your trap shut around her and thus preserves your friendship. Blabbing your amorous feelings to a girl who doesn’t feel the same way about you can make her feel uncomfortable - which can cause a friendship to die a slow death.

Here’s our game plan, Bart. First: withdraw slowly from your friend and become less available to her. Don’t call her at school; let her call you and wait a day to call her back if she leaves a message. Don’t initiate any e-mails; instead give her only brief answers to her e-mails.

Once she returns from school and starts asking you out for the usual social events, only attend the outings where other single women will be present. Why? Because you will talk with these ladies and get their home phone numbers.

Now, you may be asking me: wouldn’t I be disrespectful if I did this? My answer: Certainly not. It shouldn’t bother her if you two are at a club and you step away from her side once every hour for only five minutes. Besides - you two are just friends, right? The great thing is if your conversations with other women do bother your friend, then it means that her Interest Level in you is over 50% – which means you have a chance with her.

By using this simple act of Challenge, you rub any hidden Interest Level she has for you in her face. After about a month of this, a look of frustration should eventually come over her and she will say "I’m tired of you chasing other women in front of me!" To which, you will reply, "Are you suggesting that we take the chance of ruining a beautiful friendship by you asking me out on a date?" She will then answer sheepishly, "Well, sort of." This is when you know she’s seeing you in a whole new light – and that it’s now time to go out on your first date! Isn’t Challenge great?

Remember guys, if you want to turn Miss Friend into Miss Right, you have to let her think it’s her idea; you must let her think she’s in control (Only you and I know better!). Be a Challenge around her and she will feel inspired to make positive changes to your relationship. But if she decides to keep the friendship, then get mileage out of the arrangement - go to clubs with her and show her off to other women. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say: "Whatever it takes!"

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

© Copyright DocLove DotCom

Guys, are you dating someone special and you don’t want to lose her like all the others? Are you getting bad vibes because your girlfriend of six months only gets migraines when you try to kiss her goodnight at her doorstep? Does it bother you that your wife is meeting too many perverts in chat rooms on the Internet?

And to you Moms: Do you have a good son or nephew with a big heart and a big job but he is an idiot with women? Is your overgrown baby on his third divorce and hasn’t a clue? Do half of your grandkids live in another state with bikers, drinking Coors instead of milk?

If these apply to you, you’re in luck, because there is a new sheriff in town.

Do you know what men do that women don’t? They fight reality in two areas of their lives. One, they don’t ask for directions when lost; and two, more importantly, they think that all women are illogical and inconsistent. But these men never ask themselves: "Why is it that certain guys never seem to get rejected by women or face Divorce Court?" or: "Could I be repeating mistakes from woman to woman that I am not aware of?" or the best: "Is it possible that women’s choices in men are consistent?"

Successful men know that happiness in romantic relationships is not due to luck - it’s due to using reliable principles and having a plan. Bill Gates doesn’t "wing it" when deciding which software market to enter - he has a business plan. If you want to be successful in your long-term romantic relationship, you can’t leave them up to chance, or to astrology, or to the other love doctors who all come from a female perspective – you need a plan to help you keep Miss Right mesmerized. The principles that you will get from my column will guide you the way a Thomas Bros. Map guides a U.P.S. driver to his destination. Guys, if what you’ve tried with women is only driving your emotions around in circles and bringing you pain instead of ecstasy, allow my principles be your roadmap instead.

The first concept that I will define is what I call The Reality Factor. It says: "Things are the way they are. If you go against reality, reality works against you, resulting in pain." For example, let’s say that you decided one day that there is no Gravity, so you jump off the Empire State Building. While in the air, you can believe what you want, but when you hit the pavement, you will realize that you went against reality, resulting in extreme bodily pain. Or another example: You speed down the 5 Freeway at 120 mph at 2 a.m. with the lights off, the Reality Factor says you will experience the pain of having to defend yourself in court. Or another example: your female dates ask you to call back before the date to "verify," and for some strange reason, these "call back to verify" dates only end with the dual pains of frustration and disappointment.

Men in successful relationships move with reality, they don’t fight it. Men, who constantly experience the pangs of rejection, propose marriage on the first date – over and over and over again.

Rejection, man’s most despised emotion, is the woman’s way of telling you, "You turn me off." Read this column every week and you will never go through this painful experience again, because from now on, the Reality Factor will be your friend, not your nemesis.

The kissing cousin of the Reality Factor is the Bottom Line Factor, which states that: "Only a woman’s actions truly reflect her feelings toward you." Men who are ignorant of this powerful concept rationalize a woman’s slights and put-downs. For example, let’s say Caprice breaks a date with Tom. That week, Tom thinks up 144 possible rosy scenarios of why she broke her word. He didn’t think of Reason 145, the only one that counts, which states that Caprice has zero interest in him (Dating Rule No. 1: Women with high Interest always keep dates.).

The Bottom Line Factor also says that if Tom were reflective and had thought about it, he would have asked himself how many dates he has broken in his life. Answer? (Hint: less than one.) If, after some psychological detective work, Tom had discovered that Caprice broke the date because her father did not give her a bicycle on her tenth birthday like he had promised; it still wouldn’t have made a difference. The Bottom Line Factor says that if she breaks the date, she is not interested in Tom. Sadly, most men call back for another beating rather than utilize The Bottom Line Factor.

If you never want to be a guest on the Jerry Springer show, then allow me protect your heart. If you are a guy who wants to keep Miss Right forever, and not share her with her good-looking boss or lose her in divorce court - then please allow me to be your relationship coach.

In this article, we covered my definitions of the Reality Factor and The Bottom Line Factor, which support my approach to successful relationships. In next week’s article, I will cover the three factors that make or break a successful long-term romantic relationship.

Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

Copyright DocLove DotCom

"Can’t we just be friends?"

"I don’t kiss on the first date."

"I need someone who is more exciting."

"Did I tell you about my present lover?"

"I think you’re a nice person, but…"

If you have heard any of these lines, you’re in luck because I have the medicine to cure your case of Confusion-itis. You are privileged to be reading the only romantic love column in America that comes from a male perspective.

In last week’s article, we covered two major concepts: The Reality Factor ("Things are the way they are. If you go against reality, reality works against you, resulting in pain.") and The Bottom Line Factor ("Only a woman’s actions truly reflect her feelings toward you."). These two facts of life form the foundation of my unique approach to relationships, which I call The "System." This week, I will give you the framework of The "System" by naming the three factors that determine success or failure in romantic relationships. These factors are: female Interest Level, female attitude, and male attitude.

Interest Level is one of the most overlooked factors in successful relationships. Women call their Interest Level "romantic feelings," or "love." Interest Level is a degree of love. What is a "degree" of love? Let me give an example. Tom is at a party and he asks two women, Jill and Caprice, for their home phone numbers. Jill responds, "I’ll give you my work number instead - I just don’t know you very well." Caprice, on the other hand, tears a bank deposit slip from her checkbook, circles the home phone number, and hands it to Tom with a smile saying " Now, you’d better call me!"

Interest Level is a scale that ranges from 0 to 100 percent. In our example, I would place Jill’s Interest Level in Tom at 20% and Caprice’s at 80%. Now, think about this: If Jill and Caprice were thoroughbreds running in the seventh at the Del Mar racetrack, and Tom were a betting man, whom should he put his money on?

Why is female Interest Level so important? Because the closer the woman’s Interest Level gets to 100%, the more she likes you, and the more fun you will have - whether it’s on the first date or on your 20^th anniversary. In sharp contrast, the further away her Interest Level is from 100%, the less she likes you, and the more she will eat, nag, and watch Ricki Lake. To you Psych majors: a man should only love a woman who loves him first and a lot.

Of the three factors that make or break romantic relationships, the woman's Interest Level - not the man’s Interest level - is the single most important factor.

In addition to overlooking the woman’s Interest Level, males typically overlook the importance of female attitude - a woman’s morals and her temperament. Even though your Miss Right is beautiful, inside and out, don’t you still have to ask yourself, "Is she going to be part of the crew or part of the cargo?" To you Psych majors, "Is she high maintenance or low maintenance?" If you are going to serve time with Miss Right, isn’t it best for your comfort level and sanity to find a wife who rubs your back and complements you once in a while just for taking out the trash? Of course it is.

So, what comprises a good female attitude? Integrity, giving, and flexibility.

A woman’s integrity is made up of honesty, loyalty, and trust – in other words: "Would I go into business with this person?" is the question you should ask yourself before you give up your freedom.

To find out whether Miss Right is a giver or a taker, ask yourself, "Is she on my side? Is she sweet, serene, and supportive – at least some of the time?" One sign of a giving wife is that she says, "I like to do things to make my husband happy" when she talks with her girlfriends.

As for the definition of flexibility - let me tell you what it isn't: hardheaded, structured, stubborn, intransigent, nor is it personified by nagging – the most cruel and usual punishment in America today. Flexibility is being willing to try something new – even if it is going fishing with you once, and baiting the hook with a creepy crawler.

If a woman is normal, you make her like you more or less by the way you treat her, but you cannot affect her attitude – she comes to you wired that way. So, it is your job to do the things that raise her Interest Level toward 100%. How? By exhibiting the proper male attitude, made up of: confidence, control and Challenge.

Most men know what confidence is, and even know that women love confident men. The other relationship experts, who come from a female perspective, don’t tell men specifically what to do to get this confidence. But if you read my column every week, you will learn how to automatically appear confident, even when you’re a nervous wreck inside!

"Control" in my system stands for self-control (not controlling the woman). It means controlling your choices and actions in spite of what your emotions urge you to do. For example, if you’re at a dance club, and a gentleman hustles your girlfriend, you know to take it as a compliment to your taste instead of putting a chair over his head. By practicing self-control and not making a fool of yourself, you raise her Interest Level to even loftier heights.

Challenge is nothing more than playing hard to get. You to do this because the woman is happiest when she does the chasing, and when she thinks it is her idea to pursue a romantic relationship – rather than yours. If you do what I say, you’ll have to beat ‘em off with a stick!

Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past thirty years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

Copyright DocLove DotCom